And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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