Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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