my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
