Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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