Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
