She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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