my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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