they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
