I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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