I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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