May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
