If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
