The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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