i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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