i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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