Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
