if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
