It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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