The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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