i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
