My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
