I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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