im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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