i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
