Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
