Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
