I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
