he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
