A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
