I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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