If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
