I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
