here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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