Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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