I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
