New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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