A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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