He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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