My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
