I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
