I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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