I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
