He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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