I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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