i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
