i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
