she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize