Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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