one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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