I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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