my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
