Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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