I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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