So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
