My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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