I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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